Reclaiming Aristocracy
“All these years I thought it was power that brought responsibility. It’s not. I was wrong. It’s responsibility that brings power. It’s knowing what needs to be done that brings strength and courage.” – Spider-Man, Earth X
The greatest lie in America is that politicians don’t represent the people. In fact, they represent us very, very well.
And that’s why we hate them.
Elected officials don’t come from some magic land, or spring forth ex nihilo.
THEY ARE US.
When the people are greedy and selfish, how can we expect better from Congress?
When the people can’t get along, and refuse to compromise on anything, how can we blame political parties for doing the same?
When the people can’t remember all the way back to that far-off ancient era known as “last year”, how can we blame Congress for not learning from history?
When the people don’t read the voter’s pamphlet, how can we expect Congress to read bills?
When the people skip going to the polls, how can we blame Congress for missing votes?
When the people get their factual information from internet memes, how can we blame Congress for getting their information from lobbyists?
STOP HOLDING POLITICIANS TO A HIGHER STANDARD THAN YOU HOLD YOURSELF.
STOP EXPECTING POLITICIANS TO BE BETTER THAN THE PERSON YOU SEE IN THE MIRROR.
WE DON’T NEED GOVERNMENT REFORM, WE NEED PEOPLE REFORM.
It’s time to stop waiting around for a Capraesque candidate to fall off the turnip truck and rescue the country from itself. It’s time to stop pretending that someday an untouchable, incorruptible messiah will turn their back on the money and power, and lead us unto freedom.
It’s like the bible says: first cast out the dollar sign from thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to cast the dollar sign out of thy politician's eye.
The term "aristocracy" gets a bad rap. That's because modern usage equates it with "hereditary aristocracy". Hereditary aristocracy is a bad thing -- it's basically nepo babies; someone gets to be leader simply because their daddy used to be leader. No thanks.
But in the ancient world, aristocracy had a different meaning. It meant government by the best of us. The smartest; the most capable; the most ethical.[1]
It's time we reclaim that definition. It's time we reclaim aristocracy as our national birthright.
To do that, we must first be better. Each of us. Because in any democratic form of government - including a republic like ours - the people are the leaders.
We, the people, have inherent authority over the government, but we don't often use it. When we sit back and ignore the process of governing, it's like owning the car and sitting in the driver's seat, but letting someone in the back seat do the steering anyway. We can’t change where we've been, but we can take control of our destination at any time.
Now is the perfect time.
Someone misquoting Gandhi said, “Be the change you want to see in this world.” Here’s a starting guide to how you can do that, and start making a better tomorrow.
"Those who want to treat politics and morals separately will never understand anything of either of the two." -- Jean-Jacques Rousseau
Step 1
Understand:
There is no panacea
Stop looking for the sitcom solution. Night after night for over 60 years, we've been indoctrinated to look for easy answers to life's complex problems. We believe all we need is a simple dose of common folksy wisdom, and everything will be fixed in 21 minutes to allow for commercials.
If the answer is complicated, we can't accept it. It couldn't possibly be right if I have to think about it! Let the smarty pants elitists argue over my head for hours. I know the toddler's going to come in and give us a kindergarten witticism that solves our problem. Then she'll shrug and say, "Right on, dude!" We'll all hug, freeze frame, and stay tuned for the news.
That’s where the talking heads on TV come in; fighting hard to be the loudest toddler.
It doesn’t matter what the idea is. Term limits, campaign finance reform, cutting congressional salaries, whatever.
Those are the beginnings; not the end. There is no one-size-fits-all solution; no single election fix that will cure our ills once and for all. No presidential candidate will ever be enough.
It took us more than 200 years to get into this mess. You really think you can get out of it over night because of a slogan that can fit on a bumper sticker?
If you want to flick a switch and get a working democracy, you’re out of luck.
Step 2
Understand:
We set politicians up to fail.
Wanna know why the government sucks? Do you really?
Imagine what the Super Bowl would be like if both coaches were forced to take the advice of the loudest viewers. There’s always one jackass at every party who knows precisely what the coach should do, and yells loud enough to make sure everyone in Ecuador knows about it.
Well, imagine Mr. Loudmouth is in charge of the team now. Not the expert who is paid millions to do the job and has thirty years of experience and training, but the guy who yells the loudest. And every other loud, angry fan across the country. At the same time. How do you think that’s going to turn out?
If you were that coach, wouldn’t you be praying that those viewers actually knew what they were talking about? And maybe you’d also be praying that at least some of them could agree on a plan of action, right?
As a politician, EVERYTHING you do is wrong in someone’s opinion. If you’re asked the capital of Vermont and you say “Montpelier”, someone out there thinks (A) you’re wrong, and (B) holy crap you’re a friggin’ moron who is destroying freedom because you don’t know the answer is actually Hartford. Even though it isn’t.
At least half the time you’re considered a failure even before you take office. In politics, you’re lucky to have an approval rating of 50%. Think about what that means for a second. That’s not half the people – you’re lucky when only half the people with nothing better to do than take a telephone survey that think you suck. Often for things you didn’t even do.
How many people blamed Obama for 9/11? ‘Nuff said.
On top of all that, you’re making decisions about complex, expensive entities and processes that most people don’t understand. And there is no perfect answer; no matter what you do, you always have to choose between degrees of wrong.
One example: Everyone knows you can't put a value on a human life, but we expect the government to do it every day.
Sure, it seems so simple at home in front of the television, but what about when it’s your butt on the line? What if you had to make a trillion dollar decision based on facts that no one can agree on?
Are you scared yet?
Step 3
Understand:
Governing is hard
Ever wonder why some cities can’t seem to keep the streets paved? There are lots of reasons, including cash. Sometimes… sometimes it's because the people running the city are idiots.
But here’s another common one you might not have thought of:
It starts when some kid nearly gets run over at a crosswalk. His parents get mad, and next thing you know Ms. Johnson’s 3rd grade class is writing letters to the mayor to get a stoplight installed.
The problem is that the asphalt on that street is still in great condition. The plan was to replace it a few years from now along with the utilities and a new street light.
But that’s not going to happen. Instead, in order to avoid a political nightmare, they have to install that stoplight right fucking now. If the city doesn’t immediately install the traffic light, then it’s because they hate children and puppies and want them to be hit by busses. Even though there’s already a stoplight and a crosswalk two blocks away.
So the mayor and the city council cave in, and install the light. In doing so, they replace a large portion of the asphalt and sidewalk, but haven’t budgeted for the utilities (e.g. sewer, electricity, and water) or can’t pull the crews from one job to another.
Then two years later they have to tear the street up again to replace the utilities. And the money they wasted should have gone to fixing another street on cycle.
And maybe the stoplight has a big enough footprint that they need additional land, which involves a taking under eminent domain and results in a new faction of citizens screaming about freedom and the loss of two feet of grass.
“Oh, those stupid government employees,” the people say, “don’t they know they just replaced this street? Why the hell can’t they repair the other street with all the potholes instead??”
Golly, I don’t know.
Streets blocked up, and tens of thousands of taxpayer dollars wasted. All because little Johnny couldn’t walk two blocks out of his way, or look both ways before crossing.
But government is always to blame, right?
Step 4
Act:
Read
What do you think a true representative of the people would read? Go read that.
Maybe a history book? Maybe the US Constitution? That’s not to say that you can’t read lighter fare for fun. But do you really want a representative who only reads Harry Potter, Twilight, or the latest sales/self-help crap?
Didn’t think so.
Step 5
Understand:
The “will of the people” is a nebulous concept at best
All too often I hear/read people angrily demanding that government officials accede to the demands of the people. “Follow the will of the people!” they scream, over and over and over and over.
But which ones? And what if the people are uneducated idiots? (See #4). What if the people demand we invade Iceland because they couldn’t tell the difference between a peaceful island nation and the terrorist group ISIS/ISIL?[2]
Remember, it's a proven fact that 49% of people are dumber than average.
Our elected officials then have to decide:
Do I do what the people want?
Or do I do what I think the people would want if they actually had the facts?
We don’t all agree on the answer to that question, either. Or the facts.
And it’s critical to understand that the current iteration of the Democratic Party represents a coalition of extremely diverse voters. Expecting everyone to agree on all policy decisions is a self-imposed Tower of Babel.
"[A] member of Congress giving weight to expressed public sentiment becomes only an automatic machine, and Congress requires no patriotism, no education, and no courage…" -- George Norris, as quoted by JFK in Profiles in Courage
Step 6
Remember:
Slogans are not solutions
“Vote the bums out” and “Fuck the police” are just slogans. Sometimes they’re warranted. Sometimes they’re a needed catharsis. But they won’t actually move you forward.
You want a better government? You want better cops? Chanting and marching isn’t enough.
You’re going to have to actually get involved in the real, practical details, and do more than just rattle off a simple slogan.
Step 7
Act:
Get involved
Go to a city council meeting with no agenda in mind. Don’t go to give them a piece of your mind; just LISTEN. Maybe even volunteer for a citizen’s advisory committee or two.
Most importantly, don’t assume everyone there is stupid or trying to screw you. How can you judge their performance if you don’t really know how the process works or what everyone’s job is?
And no, you probably don’t know what they do. Seriously, you don’t. Not unless you do this shit for a living.
Even at its most efficient, government tends to be complex and process-driven. This is stuff they didn’t teach in the 10th grade civics class you took a decade or three ago.
Keep in mind that no one – not even a government official – wants to look stupid in public. Every proposal that comes forward made sense to someone at some point in time. Sure, it may be wrong. The facts or circumstances may have changed, and now it may be really, really wrong. Really, really, really wrong. But consider all the angles first, and ask yourself a few questions:
What do they know that I don’t?
Hypothetically, what would it take for this idea to be a good one?
You may just find that a seemingly counter-intuitive idea is actually pretty brilliant once you have all the facts and background.
And while you’re there, listen to the citizens who testify on various issues. Is their testimony relevant? Is it helpful? Is it cogent? Are they ranting about aliens and mind control? Finally, ask yourself, if I were on the rostrum, how would this person’s testimony affect my decision making?
Step 8
Understand:
Revolution Can Also Be An Act of Cowardice
Yeah, I said it. It’s time we face it. Our history has conditioned us to think it's always heroic, but that's wrong.
For example, the slogan/book “first, break all the rules” is a cheap mantra for those who lack creativity and insight. It's a temper tantrum for the lazy.
Why is there a rule in the first place? Is it a good rule? Can you improve it? Why do you want to break it? Is it causing more problems than it solves? Is it because someone told you to?
If everyone rebels the same way, then it’s not a rebellion, it’s a fad.
And not all revolution is equal. Not every uprising is against tyranny. Sometimes, it’s an uprising against logic and sanity. Sometimes it's an uprising against having to eat your broccoli before you can have a cookie.
Yes, sometimes people do revolt to throw off the yoke of tyranny. [Note: Shout out to Ukraine.]
But other times, they revolt because fixing things is too damn hard and time consuming, and they’d rather just throw the government away and get a new one.
But not all revolutionaries are patriots:
What do you do with something that’s broken? Think back to the good old days. When your radio stopped working, you took it to the repair shop. Same with your television, vacuum cleaner, and all other household appliances. When your clothes started to wear out, you hemmed and darned and patched to get as much use out of them as possible.
Nowadays, you throw it out and buy a new one. Clothes, TVs, cars; you name it. And day by day, the landfills swell with silicon, plastic, and precious metals that luxury convinced us could all too easily be replaced.
This brings us to the Neo-Revolutionary movement in America.
“Government is broken!” they shout, as an excuse for removing more and more programs and services, as though the mere existence of government were the problem.
“Let’s throw the bums out!” they shout, always demanding replacement with fresh and inexperienced bums, as though this time it will be better. “This time,” they to delude themselves, “They’ll do exactly as I demand of them, just as the Founding Fathers intended.” Even though they didn't.
The sad truth of it is that we don’t think it’s cost-effective to repair our government. Instead, we think it’s better to throw it out and start again. [Note: I started writing this circa 2010 - all of this was predictable to some degree.] If the people of Libya, Egypt, and Syria can rise up against a murderous dictatorial regime, then surely we too can rise up against the tyranny of being forced to have health insurance!
Call me old fashioned. Out of touch. Dated. A Luddite. Whatever. I feel differently.
If government is broken, then you fix it, rather than throwing it away and hoping you can afford to pay the price of a new one. If you don’t know how to fix it, then you ask for help.
And while we’re at it you should know: not all revolutions are created equal.
People who get their US History from social media seem to believe that the colonists revolted solely because they were being taxed. As though King George magically created this new thing called taxation, and the rugged individualist American colonists led by Jesus Christ and Ayn Rand threw tea in the harbor because only those pussy Brits would drink something that ain’t Budweiser or the original Banquet Beer.
They forget that the problem wasn’t mere taxation itself – the problem was that they were unfair taxes levied against the colonists, from which they had no legal recourse.[3] What were they gonna do about it? Vote the king out of office? He’s the fuckin’ king. He doesn’t need to put up with your shit.
Today, we pretend that living tax free is the natural state of being. As though taxes didn’t exist thousands of years ago, predating even the Roman Republic.
The difference is that we have legal options they didn’t. We can vote. We can petition our government for a redress of grievances. Some states allow citizen initiatives to go directly onto the ballot.[4]
If we think a tax is unfair, we can vote folks into office who pledge to reform or repeal the tax. We can (and have) enacted constitutions (state and federal) clarifying how taxes should be levied fairly and proportionately.
The colonists had to fight because they had no other effective option. We have more effective options… but they’re hard work. The problems – corruption, cronyism, etc. – are too big and too scary.
We’d rather just start over.
Me? I believe you only throw things away when they are completely broken and irreparable. Otherwise, your so-called revolution is merely a wasteful temper tantrum, and a lazy act of cowardice.
“As the polity becomes more and more conscious of the moral nullity at the center of American life, there will develop not the revolutionary situation dreamed of in certain radical circles but, rather, a deep contempt for the nation and its institutions, an apathy bound to be exploited by clever human engineers.” -- Gore Vidal
Step 9
Understand:
The most powerful words in activism are “and then what?”
A hell of a lot of political/government reform theories can be defeated with those three little words.
I mean trashed, squashed, defeated, decimated, shit-kicked, ball-broken, and utterly destroyed by those words.
Just recently, a very smart and astute local political scholar asked us to write in the name “nobody” on our ballots in every race.[5]
Excellent idea! Or so I thought. That is, until I thought. Until I thought those three little words… “and then what?”
So we all vote for nobody. Nobody is in charge. Nobody makes the decisions.
Hoo-fucking-ray for democracy. Now… how will things get done?
What about the firefighters, or the people who keep the poop out of your drinking water? Will they come to work if there’s no one there to issue their paychecks (or “appropriate” the funds, as it were)?
Another very smart and astute political scholar said we should just “vote ‘em all out”. Brilliant! Except… and then what?
If you vote all incumbents out of office, they’ll be replaced with other candidates (provided you didn’t get duped by the moron who said we should write in “nobody”). You know what you’ll have in two years? A whole bunch more incumbents to vote out!
Revolution. Pick up the pieces.
And then what?
Blather. Rinse. Repeat.
Step 10
Understand:
Punitive actions are not long-term solutions.
It’s one thing to say politicians earn too much (especially Congress). Fine. But they need to be paid a decent wage.[6] And no, a dollar more than a Walmart cashier is not a decent wage.
Think about it. Has your boss ever cut your pay? Did it make you work harder?
How many people have time to be “citizen legislators” these days? For federal offices, you’ll need to take at least one year off to campaign and raise money. Then, after you’re elected you have to travel back and forth between your home state and DC two or three times a month.
Anyone west of the Mississippi river is going to need to have a house in the expensive DC area as well. Not long ago, a 1096 square-foot garage in DC sold for $900,000. [Note: Again, this was circa 2010 - I don't even want to look at prices these days.]
A friggin’ GARAGE. Think about it.
So you miss a critical town hall on Monday and an important floor vote on Tuesday because you were sandwiched into a coach seat on a delayed eight-hour red eye because the last time you used your points for a free upgrade to business class the local paper accused you of selling out.
Then, after you’ve completely uprooted your family and career for two-to-four years, it’s time to go home and pretend nothing ever happened. And some folks think you should only have a tiny paycheck, no health benefits, and no pension to show for it.
Sound great everybody? Who wants to be first?
One of the dumbest ideas I’ve ever heard is for members of Congress to always fly military standby, or live in military tents. I can’t believe people suggest that shit.
Seriously, it's a stupid idea.[7] Punish yourself accordingly.
True, many politicians could stand a pay cut or two. But if we reduce compensation too much, at some point the only people who’ll sign up will either be rich or homeless. The Frank Capra dream of the middle class, middle management Joe who falls off the turnip truck and saves freedom will not result from a race to the bottom.
Step 11
Understand:
Most people go into politics because they truly care.
No, I’m not joking.
Seriously, I’m not joking.
It’s only afterwards that the system beats them down, converts or corrupts them. Yes, some greedy, avaricious scumbags were raised from the cradle to be career politicians. But fewer than you might think.
The point here is that you won’t get far if you treat politicians like criminals. Instead, try treating them like people who really care. Try treating them like the heroes you want them to be. People tend to live up to your expectations for them, so expect the best for a change!
Start by treating them like heroes, and they may just live up to it.
I'm not suggesting we reward bad-faith actions, etc. But if you begin the conversation by calling someone your enemy, odds are they're going to be.
Here are two opposing examples of how to address politicians:
WRONG WAY: “You’re bought and paid for by lobbyists, and only doing this to score points with your cronies!”
RIGHT WAY: “I know you want to do the right thing, but we disagree strongly on what the right thing is. I believe that you and I would agree if I could just share this information with you.”
I think you’ll be surprised how effective that approach is.
Remember the old adage: “Everyone is the hero of their own story.”
If you want to get something done, don’t treat them like the villain. Who do you think is more likely to fill that role in their version of the story?
Step 12
Understand:
It’s not about money; it’s about influence
Money matters in politics because the majority of people will vote based on stupid things like which campaign commercial they’ve seen the most and who has the prettiest yard sign. Instead of trying to take money out of politics, you can remove its influence by being a savvy voter.
Do your homework. Educate yourself about the candidates and issues by reading the voters pamphlet.
Most importantly, ignore the television and Facebook ads.
When you ignore the things that money buys, the money loses power. And really, as tough as it may seem to do this, it’s easier to depower the money than make rich people poor, or convince SCOTUS that cash isn’t speech.
“Of intellectual and moral things…there was no limit, and one could have more without another’s having less.” – Upton Sinclair
"We
are the volunteers, and the mercenaries are no match for us.
We are
the contributors of the ten and twenty dollar bills, and together we are bigger
than the big money.
We are
the asphalt, and we are conquering the steamroller." – Eugene McCarthy
Step 13
Understand:
Merely hating both sides is not idealism
“Both parties are bought and paid for by the rich and the corporations!” – Lazy Jackass #1
“I’m an idealist, and I don’t see the difference between the major party candidates.” – Lazy Jackass #2
Please… cut the shit. That’s not idealism, it’s an insurance policy against work.
In every election folks line up to be the first to complain about how the system is broken, and how this election must be the worst ever in history.
Fine. So where have you been for the last four years? Working to improve the system? Participating in government at the local level? Lobbying your legislature or Congress for election reforms? Educating yourself on the critical issues?
That’s what an idealist would do.
Others, on the other hand, only pop their heads up once every four years to complain that no one has fixed the system for them.
The villains have been hard at work trying to take away your choices, and limit your power. They haven’t been sitting on the couch watching Monday Night Football and scarfing Doritos Locos Tacos in the hopes that someone else will do their work for them.
You cannot -- and will not -- change the system starting six months before the next election.
Complaining that no one did what you should have done years ago serves nothing, except to salve your own guilty conscience as you sit down for another MustSeeTV marathon.
Do your homework. Or don’t. No one is going to do it for you.
“Oooh… see what I did? I called Al Gore a Republican! That must mean that my political sensibilities are much more finely tuned than yours.” -- Taylor Mali (sarcastically)
Step 14
Act:
Verify the footnotes
A prominent scientific study showed that 99% of people automatically assume that if an article has footnotes then it must be accurate.[8] Don’t be that guy.
Step 15
Act:
Trust, but verify. Respectfully. Always.
Don’t assume experts hate you and everything you stand for just because you can’t understand what they’re talking about, or because they give an answer you didn’t expect.
Complexity isn’t your enemy.
Cultivate a healthy skepticism, but don’t be a dick about it. Start by assuming the expert is right, and not trying to mislead you. Ask them to explain it. If you still don’t understand, ask them to explain it again. Get second, third, and fourth opinions.
Only then should you decide for yourself.
Step 16
Act:
Consult multiple sources (especially for the news)
If four out of five dentists recommend brushing your teeth twice a day, you might want to give serious consideration before listening to that last dentist. Sure, he might be a genius iconoclast. But he might also be a moron or a sadist. Isn’t it worth a few minutes of your life to be sure?
Similarly, if four out of five news sources say Obamacare has reasonable pros and cons, but the fifth says it will murder you in your sleep, you might want to think twice before sleeping with a shotgun under your pillow lest the bill attack.
At the same time, don’t just blindly follow the majority.
There’s an old joke:
What do four out of five doctors recommend for pain?
Hitting yourself on the head with a hammer.
Sometimes the group is headed one way because they know something you don’t. Other times it’s because they’re blindly following the person next to them. It’s worth stopping and asking, don’t you think?
Step 17
Learn:
Always check your definitions
Even after 23 years of formal education, I still consult the dictionary and thesaurus almost every day. It’s because nearly all words have multiple meanings.
When writing, don’t just select a word that has the right meaning. Select the word that has the fewest wrong meanings.
When reading or listening, ask yourself which of the definitions this person might be intending.
Is there a less-common definition that changes the person’s meaning? In other words, if I read this differently, can I tell how someone’s trying to screw me?
Here’s a perfect example: there was a meme making the rounds for years now saying, “How dare you call my Social Security an entitlement! I worked every day of my life, and I earned it!”
The problem is, there is a huge difference between a legal entitlement, a sense of entitlement, and a false sense of entitlement.
A legal entitlement means you have a right to something. You become entitled to your Social Security once you reach a certain age. If you weren’t entitled to it… if you didn’t have a right to it, then the government can take it away.
By screaming “My Social Security isn’t an entitlement!!” gullible idiots were saying “I don’t have a legal right to that money; please take it away!”
The creators of that meme, and every moron who forwarded it, got duped by reverse psychology because they didn’t take time to consult a dictionary.
Pretty stupid, huh? Or sophomoric, cretinous, and ludicrous.
Step 18
Understand:
Political Parties Don’t Owe You Shit
Picture this: You go into McDonalds and order some food. You sit outside to eat. While eating, you yell at the Burger King next door and demand they bring you some delicious tacos.
No, this isn’t some crazy analogy. Think about it – Burger King probably wants to earn your business for your next meal. But you’re already eating this one. And you haven’t paid Burger King shit. You gave your money to McDonalds. Why would they bring you food?
More importantly, they don’t serve tacos. So why should Burger King disrupt their entire business model for someone who may not even eat there at some (possibly mythical) point in the future?
Same goes for political parties. Unless you’re a registered member, a political party doesn’t owe you anything. They may want to earn your vote for next time, but for now, they owe you nothing.
They do not, and should not, have to change their entire long-term model just because some guy who always votes with the other party suddenly shows up at the last minute and decides to tease them by saying that maybe, just this once, he’ll switch his vote in exchange for something.
If they did, the party wouldn’t last long. Sure, some of you want precisely that. But put your feelings on hold, and look at the logic for a second. It’s a recipe for disaster in a way that rewards the least ethical. More specifically, the party would open itself up to bad faith electors (especially in traditionally safe districts) switching districts to split the ticket, or nominate the worst, most despicable candidate in the primary so they could vote against an easier candidate in the general.
Is that what you would call a success? If having only two viable political parties is bad, then how much worse would it be to only have one?
“That’s why we need more than just two choices!” I hear you screaming.
Great. Go make some. The two parties don’t owe you that. They’re not obligated to create a second nemesis for themselves.
They are private organizations dedicated to getting their members elected. That’s it. They’re not a government agency. Their structure is not defined, or even mentioned in the Constitution. They are not necessary for democracy. They’re not a required part of the process, and you having control over them is not necessary for your freedom. You don’t even have a federal right to primary elections; the structure varies from state to state, and you may not even be able to vote in the primary if you aren’t registered for a party.
Point being, this is what we’ve got:[9] A structure that caters to its faithful members and volunteers. A structure that values long-term participation over people who just walked in the door and maybe even just want to rob the place.
So, if you were a Libertarian voter, hooray for you. Don’t act like the Republican Party owes you something. You’re not a member. They don’t owe you shit.
If you were a Green Party member, hooray for you. Don’t act like the Democratic Party owes you something. You’re not a member. They don’t owe you shit.
And let’s be very clear about something: Hilary Clinton was a lifelong Democrat, and the actual head of the party. Bernie Sanders wasn’t a Democrat until the last few months before the 2016 election, and even then he seemed to be holding his nose the whole time.
Look, I love Bernie. He’s an awesome dude. But if he had wanted the nomination that badly he should have showed up sooner. That’s how it works. GET THE FUCK OVER IT.
As for you, do you want parties to care what you think? It’s actually pretty easy – register as a member. They can’t stop you. It’s free.
You want them to love you and actually listen to you? Volunteer. Put up yard signs, go doorbelling, and make some phone calls.[10]
Get mad if you want. That’s how the system works. Can’t change it if you don’t understand how it got the way it is.
Step 19
Understand:
Horatio Alger Did Not Write Textbooks
Perhaps because I was awake and sober in my history classes, I find it hard to endure stupid statements that reduce the founding of our country to some capitalist wet dream.
"America was founded on the opportunity to make wealth."
"The United States was founded on the principles of working hard to be successful."
Really? No fleeing of religious persecution? No inherent rights of man that even a monarch must respect? No right to petition your government for the redress of grievances? Did I miss the part of the Federalist Papers that talked about the young shoe-shine boy who worked hard, saved his pennies, and grew up to be a rich corporate baron?
Apparently, all that stuff about “rights” and “representation” was merely a greedy liberal smokescreen to distract from the rags to riches story that is America. And it isn’t a complete bullshit story – we swear! If you don’t succeed, it’s because you choose to fail; not because you were thwarted at every turn by greedy bastards willing to sacrifice you for a few pennies more! Alas, every homeless man who finds a penny could be the next Bill Gates… if only he cared enough.
Don’t get me wrong, I am fully aware that liberty has an economic component. Financial chains are just as binding as the steel ones.
But that does not justify rewriting our collective history to defend our boot prints on the backs of the poor.
Of course, it’s just as bad when folks try to turn America into a religious wet dream. No, Moses wasn’t a founding father, the Levites didn’t invent blue jeans, and Henry Ford didn’t get his name by parting the Red Sea.
Seriously. Read a fucking history book.[11]
Step 20
Act:
Stop demanding “common sense”
Take this sentence: “Dave has two dollar bills.”
Using only common sense, answer the following question:
How many dollars does Dave have?
I’ll wait.
Ask your friends. Do they all agree?
Does he have two $1 bills? Or an unknown amount of $2 bills?
Answering the question requires some sort of additional, shared knowledge or assumptions. Do the reader and writer agree on the difference between “two dollar” and “two-dollar”? Do the commonly-used style manuals agree?
Instead of demanding “common sense”, consider the assumptions that you are making. Ask others what assumptions they’re making. That’s the only way to get on the same page.
Step 21
Learn:
At least get the low-hanging fruit
There’s no excuse to consistently use the wrong versions of there/their/they’re, your/you’re/yore, etc. There is an endless stream of helpful memes and youtube videos, to say nothing of actual books, teachers, and pissed off people offering corrections.
If you still can’t use these words correctly on a regular basis, it’s because you WANT to be stupid. And you have no business complaining about anything but reality TV.
Step 22
Understand:
Economics is as dangerous as religion.
We don't have to base every decision on money.
No seriously, we don't.
It's also possible to occasionally make decisions based on principles and goals that have nothing to do with "fair markets", leprechauns, or other mythical beasts.
It's been said that money is the root of all evil. Fine. But maybe that's because we make it the root and foundation of ALL decisions. Logically, that would include the evil ones too, no? Forget thinking outside the box - start by thinking outside your wallet.
And let’s not forget that that the economy does not exist in laboratory conditions.
I know you learned in ECON 101 that Capitalists are folk heroes who rise up from nothing to become wealthy industry barons, who then create jobs and reinvest in the community making life possible for millions. I’m sure you also learned that Communists devour babies, and Socialists dedicate their lives to making you a Communist. You may also have learned that these “rules” hold true because people would never ever act against their own interest.
In the real world, the Capitalist is more likely to steal your wallet, jump out the back window, and beeline it for Tahiti. I really shouldn't have to say this, but for the record, Communists don’t eat babies, and Socialists don’t necessarily like Communists any more than you do.
I’m not saying communism and socialism are necessarily good ideas. But they aren’t baby-eating monsters bent on destroying America, either.
And people act against their own interests every second of the goddamn day. Sometimes it's obvious: How many packs of cigarettes are sold each day? How many people appeared on the Jerry Springer show every day? Sometimes it’s less obvious: “Well shucks, it's called the ‘Patriot Act’, so how could it possibly be bad for me?”
The condom
industry thrives because people make choices that are not in their long-term
interest.
Why do we think it’s different for economics?[12]
"I remember going to my window and seeing the street with the men shoveling snow; their hands were purple on their shovels, and their feet were wrapped in burlap. And my aunt, looking over my shoulder, said, 'Now isn't it nice there's this blizzard. All those men have work.' And I knew then that it was not nice that men could work for their lives only in desperate weather, that there was no work for them when it was fair." – Dorothy Parker
Step 23
Act:
Don’t just throw math at the problem
If I had a dollar for every academic study that applied Cholesky’s Decomposition to calculate the variable coefficient for a linear decrement without defining the terms they’re trying to measure then I’d be able to pay off the federal deficit with my pocket change.
There is an absurd amount of studies produced every year that apply complex mathematical equations to show… well, nothing really.
No joke.
I have no idea what goes on in their heads, but I picture the conversation like this: “We have no idea what this means. We have no idea how to measure it. So… fuck it, let’s throw some math at it!”
The difference between an economist and a philosopher is that the philosopher (usually) admits he doesn’t have a fucking clue why people do what they do.
Oh, and the philosopher gets paid a lot less. Snake oil ain’t free, folks.
Step 24
Understand:
Government rarely fails on its own.
Remember the Obamacare websites? Most were set up by private sector companies. Seattle’s Big Bertha disaster? The government doesn’t own that drill. They contracted with a private sector company who fucked things up.
The government’s big mistake in those cases? Trusting the private sector.
So... how you gonna fix that by privatizing?
Keep in mind, government regulations often fail because that is precisely what they were designed to do.
It works like this:
- The people get angry about the way corporations are running a particular industry.
- The people demand the government put a stop to it.
- The government holds hearings on how to stop it.
- The corporations "generously" offer to self-regulate.
- The government defers to the corporations as "experts in the field" who clearly repent and want to make things right.
- The government lets the corporations write the new regulations.
- The corporations write the regulations in a way that is designed to fail.
How are they designed to fail? Well, there are too many reasons to list, and it's all about the technical details. However, at the conceptual level one example would be strict regulations with no actual penalty. Or strict regulations and penalties, but no actual agency with the authority to enforce it. Another would be strict regulations that are voluntary. Yet another would be wimpy regulations.
For example, I once read a lobbyist-written bill that said in very clear and powerful terms that all corporations in the industry absolutely must do each and all of the following items in the list under severe penalty of law. But each item in the list said, "You may" do this, or "You should consider" doing that. The law did absolutely nothing, but the lobbyists rended their clothes and cried their crocodile tears while acting as though they'd been forced to hog-tie their own mamas.
And everyone believed it. So government will get the blame if it fails.
Here’s another one:
- The city hires private sector company #1 to make streetcars.
- Private sector company #1 can’t deliver, so the city hires private sector company #2.
- Private sector company #2 is over budget and behind schedule.
- The city hires private sector company #3 to audit private sector company #2.
- Private sector company #3 is behind schedule on the audit.
- Private sector company #2 finally starts delivering, but the streetcars are not as ordered and may not work without major infrastructure modifications.
- People blame the city, socialism, and liberals.
Oh wait, maybe I do see the benefit of privatizing! If we privatized the government, we could merge all the other failed companies and keep all the corporate failure under one roof. Hooray, we’ve saved on overhead![13]
Step 25
Understand:
Government isn’t expensive; OVERSIGHT is expensive.
If you don’t want those juicy government contracts to go to the Governor’s brother, then you need to pay someone to watch over public works contracting. If you want to make sure you don’t have more than four rat turds in a can of chili, then you need to pay the FDA to check on it.
And, of course, it costs money for each of these public oversight agencies to be transparent as well. One reason the private sector is so efficient is that I can’t call your boss up and demand he shut his office down for a week to provide me with copies every record he’s ever kept.
Oversight costs money. You want it? Pay up. Can't have it both ways.
Step 26
Understand:
Regulation is not paternalism
It’s a desire to not eat shards of glass, rat turds, or human meat.
CAVEAT EMPTOR. Noun. Latin. “Let the buyer beware”
“Whoever coined the phrase 'let the buyer beware' was probably bleeding from the asshole.” – George Carlin
A truly free market/laissez-faire system is predicated on the idea that companies will self-regulate or go out of business. In other words, a company that sells a truly dangerous product will lose business after its customers get injured enough times. Thus, it’s in the company’s best interest to sell quality products.
Fuck that. How many kids have to die before the market self-regulates against a company that puts rat poison in their baby formula?
How about not selling dangerous stuff in the first place? Or at least, not knowingly selling a dangerous product?? How about some government regulation and oversight to help stop an outbreak of mad cow disease BEFORE IT HAPPENS, or fix cars whose brakes would otherwise stop working on Wednesdays?
Suggested reading: The Jungle, by Upton Sinclair
"The problem with learning from experience is that you always get the test before the lesson.” – Alfred E. Neuman
Step 27
Act:
Stop asking why government employees deserve a pension
Start asking, why don’t I deserve a pension too?
Aren’t you worth it?
Instead of taking their pension away, why not getcha one for yourself? Ditto benefits.
Doesn't your employer think you're worth it?
Oh. Sucks to be you.
Step 28
Act:
Picture yourself as “the other”.
I’ve spent a lot of time with Republicans. Some rich; some poor. Every time I asked the poor ones why they would support Conservative fiscal policies that went against their interests, it was always because they saw themselves as someday being rich. And when that happens, they don’t want the government (or other poor people) to take it away.
Instead of picturing yourself as a rich multi-billionaire mogul, try picturing yourself as the broke and dispossessed. Imagine yourself more poor than you are now. Imagine yourself with darker skin. Imagine yourself homeless. Imagine yourself as an immigrant who barely speaks English.
Not only will this make you feel better about where you are now, but you will also gain some sympathy for the survivors; the tired; the poor; the hungry; the dispossessed; the tempest-tossed.
There is less separating you from the downtrodden than there is separating you from the rich. Don’t believe me? Spend a drunken weekend in Vegas.
Suggested reading: The Jungle, by Upton Sinclair again. Seriously, that book was about more than tainted meat, y’all.
Step 29
Act:
Stop letting the solution drive the problem
Start by spending more time figuring out the right questions. Not necessarily asking the questions, although that is helpful too. I mean start by figuring out what the right questions are first.
If we don’t understand why something works the way it does, then we have little chance at a real solution.
The last thing we want is to finally get the citizens moving together, fighting hard to accomplish reforms we feel really good about, only to find out a year or two later that it didn’t do a damn bit of good and we’re back to square one.
It’s the equivalent of having a big idea about a road trip to Florida without stopping to check, you know, do we even have a vehicle? Do we have gas money? Do we know where Florida is? DO WE EVEN KNOW WHERE WE ARE NOW?
All too often, we let the solution drive the problem.
A good example of this stupid bullshit is the debate over services like Uber or Lyft. The argument has been over whether or not regulation will damage this burgeoning new business model.
Ummm… why is that the important question? They’re basically a taxi service. Instead of asking whether or not regulation will damage their business model, why not ask the RIGHT questions?
Why are taxi cabs regulated in the first place?
What harm are we trying to prevent by regulating taxi cabs? (I.e. what are the dangers of getting into a stranger's car at 3am?)
Are those concerns still valid?
Are Uber/Lyft/Sidecar different enough that they don’t warrant the same scrutiny?
If the answer to that last one is no, then fuck ‘em. Regulate ‘em just like every other taxi cab in your state.
See how easy that was?
Step 30
Understand:
Good government requires discipline and constancy
Somewhere I read that the biggest enemy of the space program was the four-year election cycle. Just as NASA starts to make progress on a ten-year project, a new president shifts the direction and priorities. We can’t get anywhere because we’re always changing the destination, the route, or the vehicle.
So too, with all aspects of government.
Take education, for example. Let’s say the state enacts some revolutionary new early-learning or pre-K program. It will take years to see the results. Maybe even 18 or more years.
But we can’t wait that long. No sir, we need test scores to go up today. Okay, maybe we’ll wait a few months if you ask nice. One year, tops. And then we’ll demand the next new approach, (which may look suspiciously like the 1950’s approach). SOMETHING. ANYTHING. Because we assume that anything that doesn’t yield results overnight is a failure.
So we change programs. And again a few years later. And again after that. And again after that.
Then twenty years later we decide we still don’t like where we are, and demand to know how things went wrong. But we can’t tell. We have no way of knowing which of the dozen program overhauls we’ve enacted has failed us and caused our current plight.
It’s like that old joke:
I never knew you could get drunk off one can of beer.
I wonder which one it was?
You want government to work? Stop governing by Whack-a-Mole.
In other words, poorly-considered laws made for the sake of expediency tend to have unforeseen consequences buried in the technical details. So you make another poorly-considered law to deal with the bad parts of the last law. And then another poorly-considered law to deal with the bad parts of the last two laws. And so on, and so on.
Make a plan. A holistic one. Listen to some experts. Consider as many perspectives and outcomes as you can. Run some Monte Carlo simulations on that shit.
Then stick to it. Don’t demand immediate results. Make regular check-ins, but don’t change the plan unless you know for sure you absolutely need to.
Fidanza, constanza, speranza, bitches.
Step 31
Remember:
Most things on the internet are untrue or misleading.
The rest is porn.
Step 32
Remember:
Not all alternative media is helpful[14]
It’s fine to question the mainstream media. It’s fine not to trust corporate sponsors, and agendas. But the mere fact that the mainstream media sucks does not mean that Joe Dingleberry’s "Really Fast Race Cars and Also Obama Sucks Blog" is any better. In fact, Joe’s blog is probably a giant steaming pile of fabricated dogshit.
Personally, I love the mainstream media. Here’s why:
Every mainstream journalist in the world falls under one of three categories:
They actually do a good job
They’ve convinced themselves they do a good job
They have an interest in convincing you that they are doing a good job
In order to do any of those things, they have to at least make a pretense of being competent and thorough. Joe Dingleberry’s "Really Fast Race Cars and Also Obama Sucks Blog" doesn’t suffer under the same ethical constrictions.
Remember, even Edward R. Murrow, America's most trusted journalist, was accused of bias. And he still is. While a vast swath of the country would like to get back to the days when his reassuring voice would tell them right from wrong night after night, there are still those who think he's a lying, liberal firebrand that could make Eugene Debs blush.
I know, you're unhappy with the so-called "fake news". Everybody is. But the free press is just too damn important to write off.
And don't make the mistake of assuming that occasional inaccuracies are a sign of corruption or ineptness. The free press is like any other industry in the world in the sense that it is run by people. And people are flawed.
That's why we need to demand high standards and support the process. Good press will self-regulate through a series of levels. There are folks tasked with reading each story and catching typos and glaring mistakes. Others review the evidence and challenge the journalist to make sure she did her homework. When mistakes (or fabrications) make it through the net, other media outlets will try to catch it.
So long as each media outlet owns up to its mistakes, we can succeed and move forward as a people.
This is the time to build journalistic heroes. Reward those who succeed. Support the process. And demand they keep the reporting separate from the commentary.
Step 33
Act:
Don’t be Chicken Little
This is not the worst crisis in American history.[15]
Which crisis am I talking about? Doesn’t matter. Pick one. We’ve been through some major shit, and come out alive.
Slavery and Jim Crow.
Tuskegee Syphilis experiments.
The Indian Removal Act.
The Civil War.
The “Bonus Army” of WWI veterans in Washington DC who were chased and tear gassed by General MacArthur and future President Eisenhower. A few were killed. Yes, the US government killed WWI vets for asking for their paychecks.
The Cuban Missile Crisis.
The Cold War.
The Bay of Pigs.
The Gulf of Tonkin Incident/Resolution. And pretty much everything else in the Pentagon Papers.
During the Nixon administration… do I even need to say it? Oh, and don’t forget the secret bombing of Cambodia.
The resignation of Vice President Agnew, who later pled no contest to allegations of tax evasion and bribery.
President Ford pardoning Nixon.
The Iran Hostage Crisis.
Iran/Contra
The bombing of the marine base in Lebanon
When Reagan fired the air traffic controllers, and the short-lived succession fight with Al Haig.[16]
While at the CIA, future President George H.W Bush cut checks to Manuel Noriega, Saddam Hussein, and Osama bin Laden. Later, he and his son invaded their countries.[17]
Gulf War Syndrome.
During Gulf War II (the Revengening) there was torture, an attempt to revoke habeas corpus, and “free speech zones”.
And yet with all this… and more… some folks actually believe that whatever Obama had for breakfast this morning must be the worst constitutional crisis in history.
We survived worse because we refreshed ourselves in the principles of the Constitution and struggled on. Not out-of-context quotes from the Founding Fathers, but actual principles.
We survived because we chose to.
If we stop choosing to survive, then we won’t survive. Period.
Step 34
Understand:
Most self-proclaimed “free spirits” are really just delusional contrarians.
SOCIETY: You shouldn’t smell bad.
STUPID HIPPIE: Fuck you, I’m rolling in shit and then spraying myself with patchouli!
SOCIETY: Get a job!
STUPID HIPPIE: Fuck you, I’m going to live in the dirt and eat sprouts and beetles!
They’re not free. They are simply doing the opposite of what is expected of them and calling it freedom. You could lead them by the nose through reverse psychology:
SOCIETY: You should be unemployed and live on the streets.
STUPID HIPPIE: Fuck you, I’mma be a CEO!
Don’t be one of those gullible dipshits.
"The only true non-conformists are in the asylums; the only radically free spirits are in the death house awaiting the chair. Conformity is evil when it distorts, flattens, and erases fruitful ways, strong ideas, natural identities; it is evil when it is a steamroller. But a man cannot escape being part of a milieu -- and a recognizable part -- unless he flees naked to a cave, never to return." – Herman Wouk
Step 35
Understand:
Deep down, most people want the pageantry.
Some of the mystique that surrounds politics and legislation comes from folks (often lawyers) who like to feel important.
But not as much as you think.
A lot of it comes from the populace who WANT there to be some special knowledge or pageantry. That makes it easier to justify sitting on the couch not giving a fuck. It’s part of that insurance policy against work that I mentioned before. "I don’t have the special knowledge, so you can’t blame me for watching the game and waiting for others to do it for me."
I’ve found it fascinating to watch the pushback against the reform of legal writing and legislation. People say they hate how legislation, contracts, and other legal documents are so complicated, and can’t be read by the average person. Well, many in the legal community listened, and have made concerted efforts over the years to simplify documents, etc.
But those same average folks can’t accept it. “Hell, if an idiot like me can read it, then you clearly didn’t do any real lawyerin’, and I want my money back!”
I’ve encountered lots of real-life examples over the years, but my favorite is a fictional one from “The Thin Red Line”, by James Jones. At one point, an officer (who was a lawyer in civilian life) is giving a private a battlefield promotion:
"Okay," he said, "I make you acting sergeant. You'll go down with the others."
"Aye, sir," Dale said. "But don't you have to say hereby?"
"What?"
"I said: Don't you have to say hereby? You know, to make it official." In some slow-stirring, labyrinthine depth of his animal's mind Dale seemed to be suspicious of Stein's honesty.
"No. I don't have to say hereby. Hearby what? I don't have to say anything but what I've said."
On the opposite side of the coin, you have some folks who think that the mere ability to read at an 8th grade level makes you qualified to write and understand laws. This, too, is silly.
And dangerous.
Step 36
Act:
Stop saying “politicize” when you mean “trivialize”.
“Don’t politicize PTSD!” -- Well-Meaning But Misguided Person #1
“How dare you politicize PTSD!” -- Well-Meaning But Misguided Person #1
Sorry, but the military and the Veteran’s Administration are run by the government. The government is run by politics.
You want shit to change? You NEED to politicize it. THAT’S THE ONLY WAY TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.
Ask politicians about veterans’ issues at every town hall.
Make it clear to them that you’ll vote them out of office unless they support veterans.
Tell them if they put the military in harm’s way without sufficient justification you’ll vote them out of office.
That’s called “politicizing” the issue, and it gets shit done.
Hmmm... maybe that's why no one wants you to do it.
Same thing goes for folks who say, "Oh, you can't trust him; he has an agenda!"
Ever been to a business meeting? Agendas keep you on task. They're how you get shit done.
Step 37
Act:
Keep your patriotism in your heart, and you won’t need to wear it on your sleeve.
On 9/12/2001 our office bought everyone American flag lapel pins…. that were made in China. I said no thanks.
They thought I was an unpatriotic dick.
But, I thought to myself, I was a patriot two days ago, too. I was proud to pay my taxes because I knew it went to the people helping keep me safe and free, and helped to build roads so I could go where I wanted and buy what I wanted. I proudly registered for selective service knowing that even though I was scared of fighting,[18] I wouldn’t run away from my duty if called.[19]
That didn’t change after 9/11. I didn’t magically wake up and discover the Constitution or the Declaration of Independence. I didn’t suddenly understand the value of this whole voting thing.
And maybe they didn’t either, but it sure as hell seemed like it. After 9/11, everything you did had to be about America, or you were going to get an earful.
Your flag isn’t straight? Shit’s on, now.
You don’t have a yellow ribbon magnet on your car? I’m reporting you to Homeland Security.
Didn’t buy Alan Jackson’s album? We must kung-fu fight.
Hell, in my town some combat vets from Vietnam were beaten because they were against the second Gulf War (and therefore not supporting the troops and solely to blame for everything that went poorly. Misguided lips sink ships.)
But ten years later those flags were worn and tattered. Faded paint showed where ribbons had once been attached to card.
It was all hollow. It was just for show. Acting like patriots because we didn’t feel like patriots. Wearing the flag on our clothes because we can’t carry its principles in our hearts.
Who gives a shit if you forgot to put your hand over your heart during a Lee Greenwood song, or if a civilian didn’t give a proper military salute?
Patriotism isn’t something you can do with your hand. It’s something you do with the heart under the hand.
Step 38
Remember:
IB4EB4ETC
That stands for... Integrity Before Effort, Before Everything Else.
Step 39
Understand:
Peace Begins on the Freeway
If peace comes to this country, it will begin on the roads. I truly hope sociologists are studying behavior there. Not studying traffic patterns; not looking for better ways to design the roads. Leave that to the engineers.
I mean I hope they’re studying how we treat each other.
We talk a lot about online behavior. You know, things like cyberbullying (assuming Melania hasn’t fixed that already). I don’t claim to be an expert here, but I do know the core issue is how horrible our behavior is when we are anonymous, or when we feel we have a protective buffer in front of us. It can be horrifying. And sometimes deadly.
So, imagine how much more dangerous it is at 90 miles per hour.
The traffic laws are there for a reason, and – brace yourself for a shocking announcement – they’re actually pretty damn logical.
Then we obey them, we all win. Not just then obvious reasons either, but we’ll start with those.
Slower traffic means fewer accidents.
Fewer accidents means fewer deaths.
And shorter commute times because you’re not stuck behind a crash that’s blocking all but one lane. (That happened to me four out of five days last week; turning my 30-minute commute into over an hour each time.)
This is inevitably the part where some selfish, impatient jackass starts bloviating about “left lane hogs”. Here’s the mind-blower, Mr. Andretti, they’re not the problem – you are.
I’ve heard the ridiculous argument too many damn times: if you go the speed limit in the left lane, then people who want to go faster will have to swerve in and out of traffic to get around them, and that’s dangerous.
Bullshit. No one makes you speed, except you. No one makes you drive recklessly, except you. No one makes you break the law except you. Take some goddamn responsibility for your behavior.
Personally, I’ve always been of the mindset that if you’re important, they’ll wait for you. Or if it’s time critical, an important person can delegate it.
Thus, if you’re barreling past me at 100mph in your giant F-350, I assume you’re in a hurry for your shift as fry cook. That truck ain’t cheap, yo, and the 17-year-old assistant manager with the squeaky voice and acne is tired of you being late. But I digress.
Fasten your seat belts, because this next one is going really shock you:
It’s not the fast lane.
Seriously. The left lane isn’t the “fast” lane.
It’s the passing lane. There’s a difference.
But more importantly, when you go swerving through traffic and cutting people off right and left, it creates a pogoing effect. Those folks have to slam on their brakes, causing the people behind them to slam on their brakes, and so on.
What do you care? You’re ahead of them, right? Except I was talking about the guy a mile ahead of you, and all the people he swerved around, which caused the slowdown that made you want to swerve around these folks in the first place.
GET IT?? It’s all one system. We’re all in this together.
Until we can place the safety of other drivers ahead of our own ability to get to the Walmart three seconds faster, we will never find peace in this country.
That’s also why it’s so important to fix our infrastructure. Drives that took five hours when I was a kid now take ten. A drive that took a little over two hours now takes five. That’s despite all the new lanes, traffic safety equipment, and (I presume) improvements in road materials and construction.
Time spent on the roads in endless commutes is time not spent with your kids. It’s time not spent with your partner. It’s time not spent improving your house. It’s time not spent reading books. It’s time not spent earning money. It’s time not spent on your hobbies, and things that make you happy.
Step 40
Believe:
There is Only Us
I noticed an interesting pattern during the very brief time that I was practicing law. Everyone hates lawyers, right? Everyone’s got a lawyer joke, which usually ends up with us dead. Yeah, the really do hate us.
Just kidding – no they don’t.
We hate the other guy’s lawyer. But we love ours. Especially when we win.
Think about that for a minute.
Of course, there’s always some resentment of lawyers; even the ones on your side. They have knowledge you don’t; they have power you don’t. Knowledge and power that can affect your life and freedom.
True dat. But you know who else has knowledge and power that can affect your life and freedom? Navy SEALs. You don’t hate them, do you? Nah, you know who hates them? Terrorists. We love SEALs because they protect us from terrorists.
Sure, Navy SEALs have a different kind of knowledge and power, but the concept still applies: They’re ours. We love them.
I’ve seen a similar pattern with elected officials, too. Folks will yell for hours about how much they hate and mistrust every single politician, and then swoon like a Beatles fan when they meet the actual member from their district. “My” representative. They’re never as evil in person as you might assume they should be.
Hell, when volunteering one time I had a guy get in my face and scream, “You tell that [blah blah] Congressman that he’s [blah blah]!” They were not pleasant things. I snapped back, “Tell him yourself, sir. He’s standing right there.”
Pan over, and suddenly it’s “Oh, uh… hello sir.” Giant aw shucks grin on his face; star struck, and talking to the guy from the TV. “Thank you very much for being here today.” Was there something you wanted to tell me? “Oh no, thank you sir!”
They’re ours. We love them.
But what if they were all “ours”?
I get that there are some scumbag ambulance chasers out there. If I had my druthers, I’d disbar and feather the whole lot of them.[20]
But I’m incredibly proud of the other 90% or so.
I’m proud of the ones who charged into airports (following enactment of the Trump Regime’s travel ban) to defend the defenseless. Especially knowing they did this despite many of them being threatened with arrest themselves.
I’m proud of the ones who went to immigration centers across the country (especially at the border with Mexico) to represent refugees and asylum seekers pro bono, and try to reunite them with their children.
I’m proud of the prosecutors who demand solid evidence and process before ever filing a case, but when they have that evidence go at the defendant like a bulldog.
I’m proud of the defense attorneys who keep the good guys from being lumped in with the bad, and keep the bad guys from being treated unfairly.
I’m proud of the public defenders who do the same thing for less pay and worse hours.
None of them are “theirs” to me.
The elected officials who represent us, and the public servants everywhere from the county morgue to the IRS.
None of them are “theirs” to me.
The heroic police and fire fighters that protect us, and the young black child who died by a rogue cop’s gun.
None of them are “theirs” to me.
The people who, like me, can trace their families back to the earliest days of this country; the people who, like also me, can trace their families back to immigrants seeking a better life; the people whose land was stolen so we could have this better life.
None of them are “theirs” to me.
They’re ours. We love them.
So until YOUR people
See MY people
As OUR people
Nothing is going to get better.
That’s enough for Volume I. I hope I’ve given you enough to think about. I hope I’m around to finish Volume II.
Freedom begins at home, folks. The choice is yours.
[1] Geeks: See also Plato’s discourse on timocracy in the Republic, and compare it to the modern dictionary definition.
[2] I wrote this over ten years before the whole Greenland debacle.
[3] Okay, so even that is oversimplified. For example, there was that whole English Constitution thing I learned about in Gordon Wood’s book, but when I brought it up Matt Damon told me to shut the fuck up.
[4] And one state constitution (Tennessee) authorizes… nay, some would say demands armed rebellion against the government.
[5] Before you ask, let me say that this wasn’t some sort of trick. The guy didn’t change his name to “Nobody” or anything like that. He genuinely wanted us to vote against everyone.
[7] You call it “name-calling”. I call it a distaste for intellectual welfare.
[8] Pidhick, Stuart, and Dupname, May, 1985, Cognitive Trends and Their Effects on Reading Comprehension, Personality and Social Psychology Review, v. 252, p. 502-607.
[9] Don’t like it? Build a time machine, and dive into the drunken fuckpile of Founders debating this very idea.
[10] Before you ask, yes, I’ve done all of those things.
[11] No, Dan Brown doesn’t count.
[12] Proud to say I originally wrote this several years before I read this article.
[13] This was ten years ahead of its time. I won’t call it a prediction; just a good guess.
[14] This, too, I wrote in the Before times. Take it with a grain of salt.
[15] As with so many other parts, I started working on this circa 2010. This part finally jumped the shark. I was referring to stuff like the “Coffee Cut Salute” and “Tan Suit Gate”.
[16] His biography should be entitled "Haigiography". Both a pun, and ironic.
[17] Yes, I know bin Laden was from Saudi Arabia, and we didn't technically invade it. But he got his checks from the CIA for his involvement with the Mujahadeen resistance to the Soviets in Afghanistan, so… close enough for our purposes. We’re still at war as I edit this in 2018.
[18] Funny enough, I've always been more scared of killing than dying due to my religious upbringing. And at 18 years old, I was even more scared of drill sergeants.
[19] Be glad I wasn't. I'm pretty sure I'd have been a shitty soldier.
[20] And if I knew what druthers were, I’d have more useless knowledge.